Trisha’s Blog:
7 ways to support your gay or lesbian child
It makes sense that concerned parents are wondering how to best support their gay and lesbian children in the wake of recent anti gay bullying and suicides. Research has shown that one of the most important protective factors for a gay or lesbian youth is a supportive family. Here are some ways you can nurture and support your gay or lesbian child.
1) Hug your child and say “I love you!”
2) Find a supportive faith community. If you are a religious family, search for a faith community that reflects a diverse group of people where gays and lesbians are considered equal. Your child will not only be able to maintain their faith connection but also see gay and lesbians in long term committed relationships some of whom are raising children. ( a good way to set the stage for grandchildren in the future )
3) Ensure a safe school. Ask their school if they have an anti bullying policy that includes sexual orientation and gender identity. If so, make sure they are enforcing it. If not, petition the school board to write one.
4) Maintain family rules and expectations. If you tell your all your kids that you expect them to find a life partner and give you grandchildren while they finish medical school so they can take care of you when you are old – tell your gay or lesbian child the same thing. Just because a child is gay or lesbian does not mean they should be exempt from family rules or unrealistic parental expectations ( except for the obvious – don’t ask them to be straight! )
5) Find good role models. Become knowledgeable about, and discuss movies, historical figures and political movements that show positive role models for lesbian and gay youth.
6) Attend a local PFLAG meeting ( Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays ) to connect with other people who may be experiencing similar feelings and/or concerns about having a gay or lesbian loved one.
7) Hug your child and say “I love you!”
If you are looking for a family therapist in the St Paul area please feel free to contact to me schedule an appointment.
This year’s best Valentine is free!
Do you want to give your spouse or partner a gift that will not only mean something dear to them but also enhance your relationship? Do you want to give a gift that will last far longer than flowers or a box of chocolates? This gift is one that has been scientifically proven to strengthen relationships and while it can be given on any day – it usually isn’t. The gift I am alluding to is a compliment! It may sound simple but the act of appreciating your partner can, and often does get lost in every day living. It becomes much easier to notice what you don’t like about your partner. It is easy to become critical and find fault with many things about each other. Some people may even feel they are being “helpful” by letting their partner know about such defects. Unfortunately, while criticism may come easy it can be toxic on a relationship. Here are some ways to balance out the negativity that may be affecting your relationship
“I love how you… keep the house clean, read to the kids etc.”
“I appreciate they way you….”
“When you…. I feel proud, happy, loved etc”.
“I am so grateful for you and this relationship”
“Wow! I love it when you do that!”
A good ratio to ensure a healthy partnership may be 6 compliments to 1 criticism.
If you and your life partner have been in a critical rut for too long, and are having difficulty turning it around, couples counseling may help.
Editor’s note: While appreciating your partner will go a long way in maintaining a long term healthy relationship, the writer asks that no readers use this blog post to justify why they did not also bring their partner flowers, chocolate etc.
MLK Jr. and the Courage to take the First Step
Faith is taking the first step – even when you don’t see the whole staircase. – Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
It is not an easy decision when one decides to utilize the services of a therapist. There are many unknowns and just making the first phone call may feel like a risk. Questions arise such as: Will I like the therapist? Will she understand me? Will this be helpful? These questions make sense in a culture where people are encouraged to guard their emotions and vulnerabilities. Some therapists offer an introductory consultation at no cost. This ensures that before you begin counseling, you feel that the therapist is a good fit for you in individual counseling, for you and your partner, in couples counseling and for your family if you are seeking family counseling.
There are other unknowns when entering therapy. What will the outcome be? Will I find my relationships more fulfilling? Will I discover better ways to take care of myself and others? Will it be worth it? Each person’s goals and expectations may be different. There is no way to predict exactly what your individual or family outcomes may be, however most find that it is beneficial to take the time to focus on emotional health and relationships with a Marriage and Family Therapist.
Improving the world and/or improving yourself takes courage and both provide better possibilities and outcomes. Today we celebrate the courage of Dr. Martin Luther King, and all those who worked so hard for justice. We are inspired by, and have benefited from, their vision and willingness to proceed even when afraid.
If you are seeking individual, couples or family therapy in the twin cities area feel free to contact Trisha Falvey at trisha@trishafalvey.com or (612) 419-8764
Mapquest your Holidays – 7 Roads to Peace
MapQuest your Holidays – 7 Roads to Peace
Take 3 deep breaths. This is one of the easiest, quickest ways to restore peace and sanity. You can do this anywhere and at anytime when you begin to feel stressed.
Go to work holiday party briefly – and then leave. You can use the rest of the evening doing something enjoyable and relaxing knowing no one from work will call.
Eliminate gift giving for those over 18. This suggestion is only for those who are not energized by the shopping process. If this sounds too harsh even for you, consider giving cash instead of gifts, or telling the family you will be focusing on individual birthdays instead, in order to spread the gift giving experience through out the year.
Allow space for ALL of your feelings – not only joy. The constant message of “be merry” is not realistic for anyone. Often times this mandate adds pressure to people who experience additional feelings of grief, loneliness and sadness during the holidays. For people who have experienced the loss of a loved one in the past year – or past 50 years, holiday times often include some grief and sadness. These feelings are just as important to recognize and as a wise child once said ( Collin circa 1993) “When you miss someone they are always in your heart.”
Light a candle during dinner time. Candle light soothes all of us, and often times the candle light helps children stay calmer and at the table longer – as it feels like a special occasion.
Be mindful of why you may be eating or drinking more than usual. If you notice you are overindulging, take a minute to check in with yourself and see how you are feeling. Are you trying to numb feeling anxious, lonely, sad or depressed? Could you talk with a trusted friend or practice some self care instead?
Reach out to someone who loved you as a child. Send a card, make a visit, or a telephone a friend, relative, teacher, camp counselor or scout leader who made a difference in your life – and tell them so!
This is a sacred time of year for many faith traditions through out the world. It is an opportunity to draw closer to a higher power and each other. Hopefully these tips can help you navigate the holiday frenzy while practicing self care, slowing down and making space for the sacred in your life.
GLBT Affirming Counseling
Walking into a therapist’s office can feel hard enough – without wondering if you will be judged for simply being who you are.
Too often gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people have to make difficult decisions about with whom they can be fully open. This painful phenomena can occur within workplaces, families and friendships. There is no place for this within a counseling setting. You deserve to feel comfortable bringing your whole self into therapy.
People come into therapy with various concerns, hopes and goals which most often have little to do with sexual orientation and/or gender identity. However, sometimes, due to a lack of understanding and acceptance in mainstream culture GLB and T people may encounter additional stress. Frequently GLB and T relationships are not taken as seriously, nor celebrated as much as mainstream heterosexual relationships. Consequently, it is beneficial to have a GLBT therapist who is familiar with issues that impact people GLBT people and their families. In my practice I welcome you as you are – it is your journey and affirming you and your sexual orientation and/or gender identity is a good place to begin.