I had the opportunity to see the touring company of the Broadway musical Next to Normal last weekend. Next to Normal is about a family struggling with mental illness; the Mother has a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder with delusional episodes. While only one family member has been officially diagnosed, the musical carefully and sensitively portrays how mental illness can affect a whole family, not just the person with the diagnosis. People living with mental illness do not live in a vacuum. Each one of them has family who are also living with the effects of mental illness – the concern, the anger, the isolation, the pain – all while searching for solutions which may or may not yet exist. All of these experiences can be difficult to handle alone and support from others who understand may bring some relief.

Here are 3 ways you can break the isolation of the effects of mental illness and gain support from others who understand:

1. NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) provides education about mental illness for individuals and families. They also organize community events to help lesson the unfair stigma associated with mental illness like the NAMI walk which is September 24, 2011 in Minneapolis.

2. Join, or start a mental health/mental illness group in your community based on the model of the mental health/mental illness ministry at St Joan of Arc parish in Minneapolis. They offer speakers, support and advocacy opportunities for people who are experiencing mental illness and for those who love them.

3. Ask the mental health provider for your family member if they know of support groups for siblings, parents, or children of people experiencing mental illness. If they don’t know of any, and they have knowledge of the effects of mental illness on family members, ask if they might be willing to facilitate one.

If you are looking for a family therapist in the Twin Cities area please contact Trisha Falvey, MA, LAMFT

“In our everyday deliberations we must consider the impact of our decisions on the next 7 generations.” Great Law of the 6 Nations of the Iroquois

Yesterday I had the great privilege to hear Winona LaDuke, a Native American activist and environmentalist, speak. She spoke of making decisions based on a long term vision instead of a short term one. She spoke of the impact each generation has on the next. This belief is something that Marriage and Family Therapists hold true as well. Mental health used to be considered an individual’s problem, separate from family or community support or concern. This is simply not accurate. We are interconnected. One of the pioneers of family therapy, Murray Bowen, encouraged people to go back 10 generations to learn how they came to be who they are. His belief was that family patterns, interactions and lessons from past generations form who we are today. If we believe that our behaviors, actions and responses to stress might impact the next 10 generations of our families would you change anything? Would you choose to make different decisions?

This Great Law of the Iroquois has wisdom for many types of decisions, but I could not help thinking about its impact on family living and the choices we make. It is well known that a child who witnesses abuse is more likely to become abused or an abuser later in life. Children raised in homes with addiction are more likely to suffer the effects of addictions later in life as well. Does it not make sense then, that for those people who interrupt cycles of abuse or addiction, that they are not only benefitting themselves, and their children, but many generations to come? It is a powerful thought that by changing ourselves we are also able to change the lives of our children and the children given onto them for countless generations.

If you are looking for a family therapist or individual therapist in the twin cities please feel free to contact Trisha Falvey, M.A. LAMFT to schedule an initial consultation.

6 Ways to Bully – Proof your Child.

The tides of acceptance of youth bullying are beginning to turn. Bullying is now receiving national attention as the outcomes are finally being researched and information and statistics are now being disseminated. For those who have been bullied or have a child being bullied the statistics, while harrowing, do not adequately describe the pain of this experience.

Here are 6 ways to bully-proof your child and your community:

1) Examine your beliefs and your past in regards to bullying. We have learned much about child development in the past 40 years, and now recognize the undeniable detrimental effects of bullying for everyone involved. Don’t minimize the effects of bullying. The behaviors that have been considered acceptable for school children are illegal in the workplace and in adult life, yet we mistakenly expect children to know how to cope with them.

2) Encourage school administrators to implement an anti-bullying program at your child’s school. The most effective programs require that the adults take the lead and have sustained, repeated reinforcement that includes the “compassionate community” The program should last a minimum of 1 year.

3) Don’t expect a child to handle a bullying situation alone. It is not enough to tell a child being bullied to “tell the bully to stop” without tools and the support of the community. In fact, telling a child to do this, without giving the child the support and tools to do so, may close communication between you and add stress and shame to the child. Role Play bullying situations as a family. Take turns being the bully, the bullied and the compassionate community. Have children practice speaking out when they see bullying in action against others.

4) Support children’s mental health. It is known that being bullied can increase the likelihood of depression and suicide. What is less known is that most bullies have experienced severe stressors within their homes. Bullies have been termed “psychological orphans” and up to 40% of childhood bullies become felons. Consequently, ensuring that mental health services are encouraged and available can make a difference in the long run.

5) Model loving respectful relationships in your home where everyone’s voices are heard. This is not to encourage parents to give children an equal voice in decision making, simply to let them know that you are willing to listen to their concerns and ideas.

6) Promote equality. If your child is part of a minority group, or has special needs they are more likely to be the target of bullies. Support your child by giving them examples of strong wonderful role models who are similar to them and focusing on their strengths and unique contribution to the world.

If you or someone you love is bullying others, or being bullied sometimes working with a marriage and family therapist can be helpful. If you are looking for a family therapist in the Twin Cities metro please feel free to contact Trisha Falvey,MA,LAMFT to set up an initial consultation.

The Family that Plays Together Stays Together!

Add fun to your family without breaking the bank. Here are 5 ways you and your family can bring the fun back into your household:

1) Family Meal Time. Make sure everyone has the opportunity to contribute to the set up, clean up, and conversation. ( Turn off cell phones )

2) Go for a Walk – especially if the weather is cold, rainy etc. You can make it a short walk – but the kids will always remember time the family walked up and down the driveway in the rain. ( Leave cell phones inside )

3) Movie Night – include popcorn and cuddles too! ( Turn off cell phones )

4) Learn together – Even if you can’t leave town there are many museums and historical sites within an hours drive. ( Most ask that you turn off cell phones )

5) Laugh – Sure, pressures are high on parents and kids alike these days, but laughter is a great stress reliever. If you are having difficulty finding humor, home movies are usually a good way to get the laughter going. Some things are very serious, but most things aren’t – so let go and laugh – it is going to do you, and your family good! ( Nothing ruins a good joke like an interrupting cell phone – so turn them off for this too)

Fun is a great way to build family unity and strength. If you have other fun, inexpensive activities that you and your family have enjoyed, please feel free to share them with others here.